Context might help…

So, here we are. Right at the start of this journey (and it is a journey). Context as to why this is a mammoth undertaking is probably useful.

I know why this is one of the hardest challenges I’ve set for myself, but you’re not mind-readers, are you? To expect you to just know is unfair. So, dear lurker reader, let me paint you a picture.

I’m 32 next week. And this birthday has been my hardest one yet.
I was excited for 30. And 31 was a birthday of exploration and beauty.
32 is already… not what I expected.

We are in the middle of a global pandemic. For anyone reading this years from now, COVID-19 reared it’s ugly head at the start of the year, we went into lockdown from late March to May / June. Summer has been spent socially distanced (the most 2020 phrase that I look forward to never using again), and now we’re looking into the face of the ‘second wave’. It’s likely we’ll be in lockdown again – in some form or another – until Christmas.

Social contact is limited. We’ve been working from home. For much of the year, gyms were closed, and I didn’t rush back when they reopened.

I am unfit.
In fact, I don’t know if I would ever have described myself as fit.
At my fittest I’ve run 5km fun runs. I’ve lifted heavy things. I’ve preferred HIIT and ‘short and sweaty’ workouts.

I exercise for the endorphins, not because I particularly enjoy it.
Not for vanity. Not for skill.

For me, exercise and my mental health are those high school lovers who have been on-again-off-again since graduation. Decades of crossed paths, but never really sharing the same goals, and ultimately breaking away thinking they just weren’t good for each other, regardless of what fate says.

I am a person who starts things but does not finish them.
I own this. I see where it comes from, and accept that it’s a challenge I face. But that doesn’t make it right; it makes it something identifiable to manage. The fact that I can see it – recognise it – means I can work on it. It won’t define me, and I need to show myself as much.

I need a challenge.
And I need to commit to finishing that challenge.

Physically, I’m not fit enough. But I will be.
My diet is not healthy. I need to fuel my food, not feed the void.
Mentally, I don’t know if I can do this.

…but I owe it to myself to find out.

One thought on “Context might help…

  1. Pingback: Running with Anxiety – Chafing Rainbows

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